


I'll Guide You Home (With My Lighthouse)

by brooklynbis



Series: Harry's Adventures With 'The Pissing Evil'. [6]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood Tests, Chronic Illness, Depression, Diabetic Ketoacidosis, Eating Disorders, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injections, M/M, Mainly angst, Mental Health Issues, Protective!Louis, Set in 2014, Sick!Harry, Suicidal Thoughts, Where We Are Tour, Worried!Liam, be warned, diabetic coma, diabetic!harry, diabetic!harry au, diabulimia, dka, hinted ziam, hurt!harry, larry are engaged again, this is a lot heavier than any of the others i've done before, type one diabetes, worried!Zayn, worried!louis, worried!niall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 10:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17486450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brooklynbis/pseuds/brooklynbis
Summary: Harry had always loved food.Then, his diagnosis came along, and suddenly food ruled his life. And not in a good way. Suddenly he couldn't eat too much without giving insulin, and doing a blood test, and if he wanted to eat something larger, he'd have to do a load of maths to figure out the right dose, and suddenly eating became a chore. Something he simply had to do to survive.He hadn't realised quite how much he hated food until he ended up in the hospital.__________________________AKA Harry has an eating disorder and doesn't quite realise it, it affects his diabetes and all Louis wants to do is help.AKA possibly one of the angsty-est things i've ever written with its fair share of trigger warnings, please look at those before reading this!





	I'll Guide You Home (With My Lighthouse)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic doesn't really link to any fic in the series so far, but you can still read those ones and have this one make sense.
> 
> this one isn't actually really based off my own experiences. I had to do some research for this as somebody requested it on one of my previous works, so I apologise for any inaccuracies. Some of Harry's thoughts and actions are written from my own experiences however, but the coma and eating disorder parts aren't necessarily linked to me. Just warning y'all.
> 
> trigger warnings : blood tests, injections, hospitals, mentions of vomiting, suicidal thoughts, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks (doesn't this sound like a happy ole fic huh) (it ends happily I promise)
> 
> title from 'Lighthouse' by G.R.L.
> 
> comments, feedback and kudos would be appreciated if you enjoyed, plus any prompts which you can leave in the comments or in my tumblr ask box @/brooklynbis

Harry's relationship with food was good until he was diagnosed. He really didn't have any cares, he loved making food and baking for his family, determined to make that his career one day. He loved taking pictures of pretty food displays at parties, and most importantly, he loved eating food. He found no greater pleasure than that of eating something he had baked and deciding it was great. 

Then, his diagnosis came along, and suddenly food ruled his life. And not in a good way. Suddenly he couldn't eat too much without giving insulin, and doing a blood test, and if he wanted to eat something larger, he'd have to do a load of maths to figure out the right dose, and suddenly eating became a chore. Something he simply had to do to survive. 

He hadn't realised quite how much he hated food until he ended up in the hospital.

__________________________

Of course, they'd mentioned at many clinic sessions that rates of depression and anxiety and general mental health issues rose in diabetics, and because Harry was a teenager, they felt the need to warn him of this. He was reassured by himself that he'd never experience any of those types of things, because, as his mum had told him, he was strong. He wasn't ever going to let diabetes get to him. 

It got to him. 

He was never very good at remembering his injections. Many times, he had forgotten them and gone high afterwards. He just corrected for them, and then went back to normal. 

He didn't realise his behaviour through his teenage years could've led to this. Yes, he'd occasionally 'forget' to give his lantus at night so that his ketones would rise and he would have no choice but to skip school. Yes, he'd purposefully not given insulin after one of his 'eating hypos' as he called them, and he'd accept the consequences of being high later. 

Since he'd been in the band, and since he'd been with Louis, he hadn't felt the need to do any of that. Whenever he felt too crappy to do an interview, he'd just tell Louis and he'd sort them out with a day off. He didn't have to make himself ill to get it. If he'd had an eating hypo, he'd just tell Louis and Louis would do the injection for him. He never complained about Harry being lazy, and Harry didn't know how, but he got it. 

It was after a Twitter binge that the idea popped into Harry's head. 

@_directioner_loubear : did you see the shirt harry was wearing last night? Made his belly look a lot bigger than usual   
@ziamownmyheart : maybe all our mpreg fics have come true! Lmao!   
@tommothetease123 : nah, he'd have to get fucked first, maybe he should just lose some weight! Ruining the band image, am i right or am i right?

And of course, that had led to him googling images of himself the night before, at their concert, and the worst bit was that he could see where the fans were coming from. In their final bow, he could see how slender the boys looked, and how his own stomach was so pudgy in comparison. 

He remembered then. No insulin = high bloods = ketones = weight loss. He could go back to the skinny version of himself without anybody even knowing. Of course, he wasn't an idiot, and he knew it would have to be a subtle, drawn out process, but it would get him to where he wanted to be.

Skinny, like his brothers and his boyfriend. 

_______________________________

Nobody noticed when he missed injections here and there. He lied, and claimed he had done them in the bathroom. He had to push through the highs afterwards and act normal, but it was worth it, because he could see the pudginess starting to disappear. He didn't see anything more from fans insisting he had to lose weight, so he must be doing something right. 

Then, after a few months, Louis noticed. 

"Babe, are you eating enough? You feel skinny," Louis murmured one night as they cuddled in their hotel bed, Louis' arms around Harry. 

"Lou, I barely stop eating! Don't be silly," Harry chuckled, not letting his nerves show through about being busted. He rolled over to get impossibly closer to Louis, hooking a leg in between Louis' own. 

"You just feel smaller than usual, that's all love," Louis reassured him, and Harry knew he had to be more careful from that point. 

But he knew it was working. 

_______________________________________

He knew his thoughts weren't right. He knew he shouldn't be thinking the way he was, which made him feel even worse. He knew it wasn't okay to be missing his injections, he knew it was dangerous. And yet he couldn't stop doing it, in his desperation to become just as skinny as the boys. 

He realised how disgusting he was, both inside and out, and that only fuelled his attempts. 

He was lying down on the sofa of the tour bus, watching a tv show with the boys when the thought popped into his head. 

Theoretically, if he just stopped his insulin for long enough, and ate enough food, he could kill himself and not make it look like suicide. It would just be an accident, diabetes doing it's nastiest work. 

For a split second, Harry considered it before seemingly coming back to reality. That had scared the crap out of him. 

What was he turning into? Some suicidal, fat freak? Louis deserved better, the band deserved better than this low life who couldn't keep himself together, who had the most disgusting thoughts. He didn't deserve any of this- 

He needed air. He needed to get away from these people, they deserved better. 

He felt himself struggling to suddenly get out of Louis' arms, running towards the bathroom and locking himself in there before any of the boys could even realise what was happening. 

He couldn't breathe, and he knew that the bathroom was the worst place to be, because it was tiny, but it was also the only place with a lock, to separate him and them. 

He could faintly hear knocking on the door as the blood rushed through his ears, his heartbeat feeling impossibly loud and fast as he struggled to get oxygen into his lungs. He was trying, goddammit all he wanted was to breathe, but he couldn't, and that only made him feel like even more of a failure. 

"Haz? Please let me in, love, what's wrong?" he faintly heard Louis say from the other side of the door, and at the term of endearment, Harry let out a loud sob, which only served to make his breathing worse as he struggled to breathe whilst crying. 

"Please, Harry, I wanna help you," He said again, but Harry couldn't let Louis see him like this. He couldn't, he'd realise how much of a mess Harry was, and how he wouldn't want to deal with him anymore and he'd leave, just like he was supposed to- 

The door lock clicked, and suddenly Louis was there, and the door was closed again and suddenly there was even less oxygen than before, and less space, and Louis couldn't touch him, no- 

"Don't!" he shouted, shrinking away when Louis tried to touch him. He couldn't feel how disgusting Harry was. 

"Okay, okay, I'm not gonna touch you, I promise," Louis said, holding his hands up as proof as Harry stared at him with wide eyes, tears dripping down his cheeks as he struggled for breath. 

"C'mon love, take some deep breaths, I know you can," Louis tried to encourage, but it just wasn't getting through to Harry, as he sobbed from the corner of the bathroom. He could vaguely hear Louis exaggerate his breathing so Harry could follow along as he muttered encouragements and reassurances to him. 

"I'm not going anywhere, you're safe here," Louis murmured softly between breaths, and that's what caught Harry's attention. Because he was so sure that Louis was going to leave him, the disgusting, fat, ugly band member who was ruining everything for them. 

Louis could see the confusion on Harry's face, and he knew to keep going. 

"No, I'm not my angel, I'm gonna stay right here with you, and I'm never gonna leave-" Harry cut him off by quickly scrambling across the ground, not taking long to end up in Louis' lap, straddling his hips as he gripped his arms around his neck like his life depended on it. He knew he would feel bad later for making Louis' shirt so wet, but in that moment, he didn't care.

Louis couldn't leave. 

"Shh, I've got you baby, it's alright. You're safe," He murmured as he began to rock his body side to side gently as he stroked Harry's back and hair, trying any way to try and get him to calm down. 

It took Louis ten more minutes before Harry fell silent in his arms, not raising his head from where he'd lay it on Louis' shoulder. Louis never stopped rocking them. 

"What was that about?" Louis mumbled quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace Harry had seemingly fallen into. 

"Don't wanna talk about it." 

_______________________

Louis had found out about his attempts to lose weight. 

"But I don't get it, you're perfect the way you are," Louis frowned in confusion at Harry, who was sat on the bed staring at his hands. 

"Not according to the fans," Harry mumbled, making Louis' confusion turn to anger.

"Show me," he demanded, as Harry shook his head. 

"I didn't save it, but they all think I look fat compared to you four," Harry sighed as Louis crouched down in front of him, taking his hands in his own. 

"No you don't, you're fucking gorgeous Haz. They don't get to see you like I do, but they're wrong," Louis promised as Harry shook his head. 

"I'm gonna help you get better, I promise."

_____________________________

@fabulouis : he was doing well for a while! Dunno why he's going back to his old self, it's gross  
@fatfreakhazza : i know, you would think he'd want the band to succeed, maybe he plans to sabotage them with his disgusting body??  
@louismylove : i always liked the idea of harry and louis together, but louis would never love him looking like that! 

He knew he had promised to stop looking for it. He knew Louis would be so upset with him for looking, but they had started again, and Harry couldn't just ignore it. 

Louis had been an angel. He never found out about how he had been losing weight, but with his encouragements, he'd managed to put some weight back on and get back to a 'healthy weight' as their nurse put it. Louis always reminded him of how proud he was. 

He wouldn't be proud now. 

It was as Harry was drifting back to sleep that he planned to end the hate, once and for all. 

_________________________________

His plan had been going as well as he could've expected. He hadn't injected any insulin in nearly 48 hours, and so far, nobody had suspected anything. He had vomited a few times, but nobody needed to know about that. He had only done a couple of blood tests to check that everything was going as it was meant to, which it was. 

"Haz, you look shit. Have you been sleeping alright?" Liam asked as they sat on the sofa, waiting for the call to get mics and earpieces in to start the show. His eyes were drifting closed as he snuggled into Louis' side, trying to make himself impossibly smaller. 

"Mhm," he hummed back in response, not seeing the concerned looks the four boys were giving him. 

"Boys, show time," Somebody called as Louis nudged Harry to get his attention. 

"I'm taking you straight back to the bus to sleep when we're done with this," Louis promised him, making Harry smile. 

"M'kay," He mumbled back, stretching and getting up, despite his body protesting. He felt like shit, all the time, even in his sleep, but at least he knew why. He knew it was working. 

_____________________________________

It was during Strong that everything went to shit. He had been stumbling around the stage, almost falling over several times but just playing it off as him being clumsy. 

Louis was messing around on the stage with Niall when he heard the screams intensify, and when Harry didn't come in with the chorus, he turned around to see his fiance collapsed on the stage, mic rolling away from the hand that had dropped it. 

And Louis panicked. 

He was fully aware of the rules they had to follow. Minimal interaction on stage, somebody always sat between them in interviews, no eye contact or anything that could give away their love. However, in that moment, the rules were the last thing on his mind as he sprinted over to Harry, quickly dropping to where he had fell, touching him to try and wake him up. Anything to get some reassurance that he was okay. 

"Lou, we need to get him off the stage," Liam said as he crouched down beside Louis, quickly feeling for a pulse as the screams echoed at an impossible volume. 

"I know," he murmured, stroking his cheek gently. He sighed, getting up as he scooped his lanky boyfriend into his arms, stumbling off stage as quickly as he could. 

"Please tell me somebody has called an ambulance!" Zayn called as they followed Louis backstage, who put Harry down on the sofa as gently as he could. 

"I need his testing kit, I don't know if it's diabetes related," Louis realised suddenly as Niall fished it out of Harry's bag quickly. He did the test in record time, swearing as it didn't bring up a reading, just said high. 

"What does that mean?" Niall asked worriedly as Liam and Zayn went to find the ambulance crew. 

"His bloods are too high for the meter to read," Louis swore as he did the test again and got the same result. 

"Does he have his ketone meter in there?" Louis asked, biting his nails as his other hand gripped Harry's cold hand tightly. 

"Nope, just that," Niall said as Louis exhaled slowly, trying to calm down the panic in him. 

"Out of the way! Move!" Louis heard Liam call and soon he and Zayn appeared with some paramedics behind them, but Louis didn't move. 

"Sir, we're going to need you to move," One of the paramedics asked gently. He didn't move voluntarily, he couldn't, he only moved when Niall and Liam managed to get him to stand up with them. 

"We're gonna have to take him in, he needs treatment now," one of the paramedics said urgently as they lifted Harry onto the stretcher, putting a blanket over him to prevent him getting cold and more sick. 

"Can I go with him? Please??" Louis asked, and he guessed it was the worry in his eyes that made one of them sigh and nod. 

"We'll meet you there, okay Lou? He's gonna be alright," Zayn said as he quickly hugged the three of them before running to catch up with Harry, who was being wheeled into the ambulance already. Louis was quick to flash his middle fingers to the paps so they couldn't use the photos of him getting into the ambulance with Harry, sighing when the paramedic gestured for him to sit in one of the seats and the sirens started. 

"What's wrong with him?" Louis asked.

"I'm suspecting type one diabetes at the minute-" 

"Yeah, no, he's had that since he was ten. I did his blood sugars and they were too high but he didn't have his ketones machine," Louis informed the paramedic, who nodded, quickly rooting through one of the compartments before doing the test Louis had done so many times before. 

"Most likely diabetic ketoacidosis then, but obviously the doctors will confirm that. May I ask your name?" She asked as Louis sucked in a breath, knowing that DKA was dangerous. He'd only had to take Harry to hospital for it a few times in the years he'd known him, but he'd never passed out from it. 

"Uh, Louis," he said as she nodded. 

"I'm sure he'll be alright Louis. The doctors will know exactly how to treat him, and then he'll be fine again," She reassured him as the sirens and the ambulance stopped, almost at the same time as the back door opening. 

_____________________________________

"How is he?" Niall asked as soon and he and the other boys got close enough to where Louis was sitting, deep in thought. 

"Haven't seen him since we arrived. Doctors are treating him," Louis shrugged, as if he wasn't out of his mind with panic. 

"That's promising then, it means it's something they can fix," Zayn said hopefully as they all sat down around Louis. 

"The paramedic said she was 99% sure it was diabetic ketoacidosis again," Louis replied quietly. 

"Wait, what's that?" 

"Again?" Liam and Zayn spoke at the same time. Louis had forgotten that none of them were that familiar with Harry's bad episodes, considering none of his DKA ones had happened around him. 

"Diabetic ketoacidosis, or DKA. His bloods have gone so high from lack of insulin that his body starts burning fat for energy, and producing acidic bodies or something, ends up poisoning him if it's left too long. He's had it a few times before, but he's never fallen unconscious from it," Louis informed them as they all swore quietly. 

"Scares the shit out of me every time," Louis whispered as Niall wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him into his side for comfort. Louis could see that Liam's grip on Zayn's hand had tightened. 

"Can it kill him?" Zayn dared asked, so quietly almost nobody heard. Louis couldn't bring himself to speak, only nod. That was why he was so scared, that he might die this time. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Zayn trying to comfort Liam with hugs and kisses, and Niall just hugging Louis as a few tears fell from his eyes. 

"Next of kin for Mr Styles?" A doctor announced suddenly in the waiting room that only had the four of them in. Louis was quick to jump up, the other boys following suit. 

"Is he alright?" He asked immediately. 

"You must be Mr Tomlinson. I'm Dr Munra, I've been treating Mr Styles this evening. We've managed to stabilise him now, but we took him to the ICU when he came in as he was severely ill. Had he informed any of you of any vomiting over the past couple of days?" She asked as they all shook their heads. 

"He's fallen into a diabetic coma due to an advanced case of diabetic ketoacidosis, but since he got treatment quickly, he should be okay," She informed them as Louis started to shake slightly. 

"Is he still in the coma now?" Liam asked, all of them noticing the state of shock that had overtaken Louis at the mention of Harry being in a coma. 

"At the minute, yes. Since his ketone levels were so high, we aren't expecting him to wake up immediately," She said, her eyes softening when she saw how hard the news had hit Louis. 

"And he will wake up, right? This won't kill him?" Niall asked anxiously, slinging an arm around Louis again in case he fell. 

"No, it shouldn't kill him because we treated him quickly. We gave him an IV drip of fluids, as well as an insulin drip. Our predictions are that he should wake up within a few hours, but don't worry if it takes a bit longer than that. We'll be in to check on him periodically anyway," She reassured them, looking down at her notes slightly. 

"Would you like me to show you to his room? We put him in a room as opposed to a ward, as requested by your security team," She suggested as they all nodded, following her as she began to walk. 

"And what happens when he does wake up? There won't be any repercussions, will there?" Liam asked anxiously. 

"We'll be keeping him here for the time being, to keep him on the drips and to make sure he fully recovers from the DKA, which could take anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Then, we'll discharge him, and give you all some information on how to prevent this happening again, and how to make sure he makes a full recovery back to a healthy weight," She said as they walked, leading them down the maze of white corridors. 

"He told me he was at a healthy weight, the nurse told us a few weeks ago," Louis piped up at that, with a frown of confusion on his face. 

"Well, as I'm sure you're aware, his body has been in DKA for a few days so it started using his fat for energy, hence the weight loss. It'll be easy enough for him to get back to his regular weight though," She reassured him, but it didn't ease the frown on his face. 

"Here you are. We'll be back to check on his progress in a little while," Dr Munra said before walking away. 

"Did you want some time alone with him, Lou?" Zayn asked quietly as Louis nodded, staring at the closed door. 

"We'll go get some coffee and some food then, and we'll come back in a short while," Niall said, all three of them hugging him before they walked away, and Louis swore he could see Liam wiping some tears from Zayn's cheeks. 

But that wasn't what concerned him right now. 

He took a deep breath, wiping away his tears and trying to compose himself before he opened the door and went inside. It was a fairly bright room, but the lights were a warm colour rather than harsh and bright like hospital rooms usually were. 

He looked to the bed, and had to hold back a sob when he saw Harry lying there. He had a bandage wrapped around his head, presumably from a bump from his fall. He had a few drips in his arms, but he looked so peaceful. There were no worry lines on his face, but he looked sick. His cheeks had sunk in slightly, his skin was pale, and Louis could see the weight Harry had lost now that the doctor had pointed it out. 

He sighed, closing the door quietly behind him, pulling a chair to Harry's bedside, quick to sit in it and take Harry's pale hand gently in his own. 

"What have you done, Harry?" he whispered, not wanting to disturb the silence as he pressed a gentle kiss to Harry's knuckles. 

Louis had his suspicions that this wasn't an accident, especially since Harry had told him a few weeks prior about his weight concerns thanks to the fans. He was going to go on a rampage if this had happened because of the fans saying stuff about Harry's weight again. 

He wanted to believe it was an accident, so, so badly, but his gut was telling him otherwise. 

It was then that it fully hit Louis - Harry had almost died. Had this happened whilst they were sleeping tonight, he would've died. Louis would've woken up with a dead Harry in his arms. 

He knew Harry's illness could be fatal in multiple ways, but never had he come this close to dying whilst Louis had known him. Harry had told him about how he'd almost died when he was diagnosed, but he said it so casually that it didn't really sink in until now. 

He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes as he got lost in his thoughts, could feel them spilling over as he watched his fiance lying in the hospital bed, looking impossibly small. 

He didn't care enough to stop the tears falling. Nobody else could see him, and he needed this moment of weakness. 

________________________________

Harry could feel himself come back to consciousness, but he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. He knew he should, but he knew he had failed, and everyone would make him put his weight back on. Make him fat again. He was already too fat as it was, he gave up too early. He needed to lose more, and everyone was going to realise that now and leave. 

He sighed, letting his breathing hitch a bit before he slowly peeled his eyes open. He blinked a few times, wincing at the lights in the room. When he looked around, he noticed the room was empty except for one person.

Louis was sat in a chair next to his bed, clutching his hand tightly. He had his face rested on the bed, arms cushioning his face as he snored lightly, and Harry's heart ached. He was going to realise just how fucked up Harry had become, and leave, just like everyone else clearly had. 

He didn't have enough energy to have a panic attack about that right now though. 

He sighed, not bothering to wake Louis. The sooner he woke, the sooner he would leave. Harry had to prolong that. 

He jumped when the door opened, watching silently as Gemma entered the room with two cups of coffee. When she looked in his direction and noticed he was awake, watching her, she jumped and let out a small squeak before putting down the coffees and hugging him tightly without a word. Harry hugged her back with one arm, not letting go of Louis' hand with the other. 

"You asshole! Don't ever do that again!" Gemma whispered, smacking his arm lightly with the magazine she had bought. 

"How come you're here?" He croaked out quietly. 

"Louis called Mum, and she couldn't get down here, so I came since I live closer. Louis needed support, even if he wouldn't admit it," Gemma shrugged, sitting on the edge of his bed, near his feet. She grabbed her coffee, taking a sip. 

"The others left, didn't they? Don't blame them, none of you should be here," He said before even realising he had said it. 

"What? They went back to the tour bus to sleep, due to Louis' request. Too stubborn for his own good, just like you," Gemma sighed, resting a hand on her brother's leg gently. "You can't scare us all like that Haz. Please tell me it was an accident," She said, and Harry could see the tiredness in her eyes. He couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth. 

"Course it was Gem, don't be stupid," He said softly as his attention snapped to Louis, who had started murmuring in his sleep. 

"Good. Don't need another repeat of 2009," She said, quiet enough that Harry barely heard her. 

"I'll give you two some time, okay? Want to update mum anyway," Gemma said quietly as they both noticed Louis stirring from his slumber. Almost as soon as she had left, Louis' eyes drifted open, immediately waking him up when he noticed Harry was awake. 

"Hi," Harry whispered tiredly as Louis smiled weakly at him. 

"You aren't ever allowed to do anything like that ever again, you idiot," Louis croaked out, and Harry noticed the red rim around his eyes and how he was sniffling as if he had been crying. 

Harry didn't reply. He could lie to Gem, but not to Lou. Never to Louis. 

"How are you feeling?" Louis asked as he pressed a button above Harry's bed, presumably to alert a doctor that he was awake. 

"Eh, not awful," Harry admitted. He knew he physically felt better, but mentally he couldn't be further from that. 

"That's good." Louis hummed as he gently rubbed his thumb over Harry's knuckles and a young female entered the room. 

"Ah, nice to have you back with us Mr Styles. You had your friend quite worried there," She said with a smile, almost making Harry snort with laughter as Louis raised his eyebrows, nodding along as she adjusted the bag hung above his head. 

"I'm Dr Munra, I've been treating you since you arrived. How are you feeling now?" She asked as she set up a needle for something, making Harry frown worriedly and tighten his grip on Louis' hand. 

"Better," he said. "What's that for?" 

"Just need to do a quick blood test to check everything is coming along as it should be," She said casually as Harry's eyes widened, and Louis noticed. 

"Shh, it's gonna be alright Haz," he comforted quietly, distracting Harry as she quickly got the blood out of his arm and left the two alone again. Harry avoided eye contact with Louis, scared he would see the truth if he stared for too long. 

"Haz? Can you be honest with me for a second?" Louis asked quietly, as Harry shrugged, still not looking at Louis as he got up from his chair and sat on the bed beside Harry, never letting go of his hand. 

"Did you do this on purpose? To try and lose weight again?" he asked as Harry's breathing hitched. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Louis not pushing Harry to give him an answer. If he hadn't been paying attention, he wouldn't have noticed the slight nod of his head, and the gathering of tears in his eyes as he turned away from Louis, too ashamed to face him. 

"Oh love," Louis sighed, pulling Harry closer to him, careful of the drips connected to him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You would've g-gotten mad at me for l-looking again," Harry sniffled quietly as he rested his head on Louis' chest. 

"Was it stuff that the fans said?" 

Louis could feel the rage burning in his chest as he felt Harry nod silently against his chest, but he had to let it go in this moment. Harry needed him. 

"I know it's wrong, and I know my thoughts are wrong and disgusting, and I understand if you want to leave," Harry mumbled as Louis gasped slightly before quickly shaking his head. 

"I'm never gonna leave you Hazza, especially not now. You need support, and love, and I love you, so I'm not going anywhere. What made you doubt that?" 

"One of them, I think it was one of your fan accounts, said that even if we were together, you wouldn't love me when I looked as fat as I did." 

"Jesus Christ. They're not gonna get away with this, Haz. I think you're perfect, they don't know shit. I'll always love you, that's what I promised, right?" Louis said softly as he caught Harry playing with the engagement ring sat on Harry's middle finger, as to not raise suspicion. 

"I thought if I stopped giving my insulin, then I could lose weight quickly and I wouldn't ruin the band," Harry shrugged, as Louis sighed. 

"Was that something else somebody said?" Harry nodded. 

"Angel, the band would be nothing without you. Without any of us, the band would be completely different. You aren't fat at all, and even if you were, people aren't here because of how we look. They're here for the music, for us. You make this band what it is, you've never ruined it, and you never will," Louis said determinedly, pressing a kiss to Harry's damp curls gently. 

"But I ruined the concert tonight," Harry whispered. 

"No you didn't, lovely. I've specifically stayed off Twitter so I don't accidentally murder some fans who claim this was deliberate to stop the concert," Louis sighed as Harry relaxed slightly in his arms. 

"You know that panic attack I had a few months ago, just before I told you about how I wanted to lose weight?" Harry spoke after a couple of minutes of following Louis' breathing, listening to his heartbeat intently. 

"Yeah," Louis breathed out, waiting for Harry to continue. 

"My brain told me that if I died from DKA, nobody would suspect it as suicide so nobody would feel guilty. How fucked up is that?" Harry chuckled, although there was no humour in the words he spoke. Louis gasped again at the mention of his thoughts, and of suicide, and soon Harry felt tears dripping onto his face. 

"H-Haz, this w-wasn't..?" Louis asked, choking on his tears as Harry looked up and instantly shook his head adamantly. 

"No! No, never, Lou, I promise. I only wanted to lose weight, that was all," Harry rushed out, tightly hugging Louis and wincing when his drips stretched a bit too far. 

"God, Haz, why didn't you tell me things were this bad?" Louis asked as he tried to wipe away his tears. His love, the light of his life, wanted to die and he didn't suspect anything. 

"I didn't want you to hate me," Harry whimpered as Louis shook his head, hugging Harry impossibly closer. 

"I'd never hate you, baby. Never," Louis said, as they cried together for a few seconds. 

"I love you so much, Harry. I'm gonna help you, alright? I promise," Louis said fiercely after they had regained some form of composure as Harry sniffled and nodded. 

_______________________________________

Louis stayed true to his word. He had to tell the rest of the band, eventually getting Harry on board with the idea, so they could all refuse to continue the tour. It worked, and the rest of the Where We Are tour was postponed until further notice. 

They'd done an interview minus Harry after a few weeks, in which they addressed the hate that fans had been sending. They never specifically said Harry, or told the fans anything, but Louis got his message across, and that was all that mattered. 

He did Harry's injections for him for a few weeks, out of pure paranoia that he hadn't taken them. Harry didn't mind, he never had the energy to do them anymore anyway. He didn't care enough to tell them to stop babying him. 

He started seeing a therapist. He found out that what he had been doing with his insulin was called 'diabulimia', even though it wasn't recognised as a medical condition. It was a form of an eating disorder, a very specific one, but it explained a lot. He had also been diagnosed with depression, following his revelation of his suicidal thoughts. He found out that even if he didn't want them, it still counted, but they were called intrusive thoughts, because he fought against them. 

Louis hadn't left. Harry had put back on the weight he had lost, and Louis helped him to see how beautiful he was on a daily basis. Harry got back into cooking, and he spent a lot of his time learning how to cook new, healthy meals, as his dietician suggested. Louis never complained about the amazing food. 

Of course, he had bad days. Days where he couldn't stomach any food at all, days where he hated everything about himself, days where he wanted to 'overdose' on insulin, or just not give any at all. But he had Louis, and he'd never let him be alone on those days. He'd just have to say, and that would be it. Plans cancelled, Louis would do his injections so the right amount was given, he'd cook basic things (or, in other words, he'd heat up two cans of soup with some bread) and he'd love Harry through those days. 

He stayed off Twitter since the coma. Louis hated him going on it anyway, but he never stopped him. Harry agreed, and had deleted the app from his phone, essentially going silent on his Twitter for many months. 

After months, he tweeted for the first time. 

@Harry_Styles : give it time. Everything will turn out alright.


End file.
